A Heavy Heart, a Beautiful Hope

Tonight, I miss my family more than I ever have before. Christmas vacation is here! Well, it began 4 days ago. The dorms are just about vacant. In another 2 days, myself and one other girl will be the only inhabitants of the dorm I call my second home.

And we will still be here until students arrive back on campus from a month spent with friends, family, ice skating, caroling, hot chocolate around the fire, old traditions, relaxation, cookie decorating with mom and dad, and all other festivities that go along with the Christmas season because we both have to work.

As for me, I have a paper tree stapled to my wall, a couple of ornaments on my ceiling, pretty lights bordering my tiny little room, and a stocking hung above my bed.

I will admit, my heart is very sad. I cannot remember a time when I wanted my mom’s arms around me and to hear my dad’s cheesy jokes and puns more than I do at this very moment. Christmas is my absolute favorite season of all! I love sitting by the fireplace, fighting for the warmest spot with my mom. I will miss having my little brother (who is actually taller and stronger than me) crawl into bed with me on Christmas eve, wait until the parents have gone to sleep, and then sneak out with him to admire the stuffed stockings and presents spread through the glow of the tree lights. I can’t imagine what it will feel like to not be there with my family as they carry on the tradition of watching the 1984 version of A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve, quoting every line and laughing at the same jokes that never seem to get old. My eyes watery just thinking about it. I feel lonely, upset, and my heart feels heavy.

But, I realize how blessed I am. There are kids who don’t see their families for longer than I’ve been away, because they are in another state or country. Military families can go for years before they are together. Sickness, loss, and financial instability also keep families apart. I’ve only been away for a few months. Then, there are those with no families. Orphans, the homeless, the rejected, the torn families, the list goes on and on; they might not even have families to miss. My heart hurts, but I am beyond thankful that:

1) my family lives 6 hours from me

2) all 4 of my family members are healthy, happy, and close-knit

3) I will get to see them for a couple of days at the end of the month

My grandma lives 3 hours from my school. My boss at work has so kindly given me a couple of days off after Christmas. Therefore, I will be driving to my grandma’s house and my family will meet me there. Yes, I do have to wait another 2 weeks. And I will only be getting a couple of days with them. But, what matters is that I will be able to savor those days and make every moment count. I will not be participating in old family traditions or sitting around a fire (my grandma does not have a working fireplace) or giggling with my brother at 4 a.m., but I will get to laugh at my dad’s jokes. I will get to hug my mom tight. I’ll get to catch up with my brothers and spend time with them. I have something to look forward to.

And yet, so many others do not.

I have been fighting with myself to not complain about my situation. To not complain about staying at school for Christmas break, for only having 3 days off instead of a week or so, for missing out on the holiday events taking place back home, etc. Being here pretty much by myself has given me time to come up with a good sized list of complaints. But what will that solve? I’ve realized that, instead of thinking of everything I do not have or will not get to do, I should be focusing on my blessings and thanking God for the positive things.

Thank you, God, that I have a place to be, even if it is not my first home. Thank you, that even though I do not have a fire place, I have a thermostat and I do not have to freeze. Thank you that a couple of my friends will be here, even if only one will be here for the whole break with me. Thank you that I can still carry your love and your joy and share it with everyone I meet when I am out shopping for Poptarts and Ramen to live off of this month. Thank you that I have a job in the first place! Thank you for your Spirit within me, that even when I feel alone and apart from my family, you are with me and you comfort me. Thank you, for being you.

This season is all about Christ anyway, right? Family and friends are just a bonus! I do not know exactly where I am going to land this post. But, I want to let you know that I am learning all over again the true meaning of Christmas. God sent his only Son into this world for us crazy, sinful, messed up humans. The love of Christ is within each of us and we should be focusing on who he is and what he did for us, and is still doing in us. This season is not about tinsel or presents or cookies. I have the joy of Jesus inside my being, which becomes strength. He cannot and will not leave. All I need is him! And oh how thankful that makes me!

Friends, family, and blog browsers,

Take a moment to think about why you celebrate Christmas. What would you do if everything was taken away from you? Would this still be a time of thanks and love in your life? It is not easy, but you are not alone.

I pray and declare blessings and peace over you, your families and loved ones, friends, enemies, and strangers you come into contact with. Spread love, peace, and the joy of Christ with everyone you meet now, and forevermore in the future. Amen!

{Sarah}

Left: My best friend and I rocking onsies at our dorm Christmas party.

Right: My family on Thanksgiving (I was at school, working) holding up a picture of me.

No Where Near Perfect

You know those moments when your eyes are opened to something that you have always overlooked or shrugged off as no big deal – and you realize how important those things really are? I do, and let me tell you, I have learned something recently:

I. am. so. selfish.

There’s a girl in my church who has been attending on and off for a few years. She has gone through some pretty intense situations – some that I can’t imagine going through myself. I know that this girl is not saved. For years I would stand up on the stage in front of her on Sunday mornings, and subconsciously think that I was somehow better than her because I had a guitar around my shoulder and a crowd of people looking at me while she stood in the back. . . . . . .falling deeper and deeper into a kind of suffering that I have never experienced.

I said hi to this girl maybe once a year. We made eye contact occasionally. That was the fullness of our relationship. We knew each others name. And for a few weeks we attended the same school. I knew that this girl had a history of bad choices that we, as society, like to point out as “really bad” sins. I knew that she got into trouble frequently and wasn’t too happy with her life. I knew that she did not care in the least who I was or what my life was like. And I felt the same about her.

To respect privacy, I am going to call this girl Emily.

For years, I would hear Emily’s parents talking about what relative she was currently living with after running away from home, which homeless groups she was traveling around with, what her latest crime was, and her most recent problems. My thoughts were always, “She knows what she is doing. If she wanted to be good, she could. It’s not that hard.” The thought of praying for her or genuinely caring about how she was doing hardly ever crossed my mind. This girl was my age. Things were happening to her that should never happen to someone even twice as old as me. And all I ever thought about was what I wanted to eat after church got out.

A couple years later, I was browsing my Facebook news feed, and her name popped up on the sidebar. I hadn’t heard about what was going on with Emily for quite a while, so I clicked onto her profile page. I read through a couple of posts that others had put on her wall, I looked at a few pictures, and as I was just about done looking at her page, I came across a very long post that Emily had put up herself. In it she was saying how lonely and unhappy she was. She asked questions like if God was real and if he cared for his people then why did he have to let such horrible things happen to her. Emily said that no one had her back and she hated her life and talked about how lost she was. She was crying out for someone to help her.

I read it, and stopped for a few minutes. Here I was, thinking that I was so much better than her. Thinking that she was somehow different from me because of her lifestyle. And here she was – a broken, lost, and hurt girl who didn’t know where to turn next. That single cry on the internet caused me to stop everything I was doing, put my head down, and pray. I felt like a terrible person. I wanted to run over to wherever she was, give her a hug, and tell her how sorry I was for being so rude and thoughtless.

God taught me something that day. No matter who you are, you are not better than anyone else on this earth. And they are no better than you. Everyone sins. No sin is “worse” than another. Change your mindset to reach out to those people who are hurting and need a touch of Jesus’ love. He wants to heal and restore the brokenhearted. No matter what they have been through and are going through. My prayer that day and every day is that I would stop being selfish and start living to serve others. I want to be selfless. I want to be a reflection of everything Jesus is on a daily basis. I want to bring his peace, joy, and love to the world. All of these things are possible through the grace and power of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Reading one little post from Emily opened my eyes to see that the people who need God are not just the ones who are dirt poor and live thousands of miles away in other countries. There are so many people who need God that live in my backyard. I want to be a light to them.